Would You Eat These Dystopian Nutrient Cubes?

SquarEat is the latest unnecessary food optimization service. Would you try it?

By now, you may have heard of SquarEat, a disconcerting new food start-up making the rounds this week. (Our friends at The A.V. Club covered the service yesterday.) In this promotional video, SquarEat's chief marketing officer asks a simple question: what if someone decided to "transform regular food ... into squares?"

Ah, yes, squares! A famously delicious shape, as demonstrated by the promo video, which features a series of well-muscled individuals cutting into their bite-sized squares over a groovy synth beat. "Square!," a lithe woman seems to exclaim, laughing and tossing her head. "Square," agrees her masculine counterpart.

I guess they've got a point. Those dusty cheese cubes you eat at funerals? Those are squares. The plain turkey sandwiches served in middle school cafeterias are also squares. Pool cue chalk is a square, and any adventurous woman will tell you that you haven't lived until you've eaten pool cue chalk. These tantalizing examples aside, I do have to wonder: why squares? Why not circles? Why not create a line of heat-and-eat food shaped like those Kraft Mac & Cheese SpongeBob noodles? Now, that's a shape.

As far as I can tell, SquarEat promises to drain your breakfast, lunch, and dinner of any and all pleasure. The company then repackages the pleasure-drained meals into gelatinous squares, selling them back to the customer in various shades of tan at a premium price. Per the order page on the website, a "small" SquarEat meal consists of four squares while a "regular" meal includes six. Each square has approximately 50 calories, with compelling meal themes including "Fisherman" and "Treat." Treat! Square! Delicious!

While this sales pitch is certainly compelling, I'm still a little unclear on the benefits of SquarEat. In the video, the brand promises to "crack the code" of meal delivery services, but fails to explain what "cracking the code" actually means. SquarEat is also billed as "healthier and tastier" than the "available alternatives." Well, if the available alternative is pool cue chalk, I guess SquarEat has a point. But I still don't see the need for another start-up that claims to "revolutionize eating." SquarEat isn't revolutionizing anything. The company is repackaging food for people who already have the time, energy, and funds to optimize their lifestyles. Those people don't need a revolution.

With this in mind, given the opportunity, would you try SquarEat? Social tone deafness aside, does this product appeal to you in any way? What would I have to do to get you to eat it for a week? Let's talk squares, squares.

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