Total Dunce Steals Almost $25K Worth Of Tequila, Tries To Sell It On Social Media

A man in Texas—not a Florida man, surprisingly—was arrested last week in connection to the sale of almost $25,ooo worth of tequila. Authorites launched the investigation into his involvement after this total genius, per Fortune, tried to sell a bunch of it on social media.

More than 1,000 bottles of Patrón were reported stolen from a cargo trailer in mid-September. According to Fortune, the Auto Theft Task Force of the Laredo Police Department began to surveil this one master of mystery when he "began advertising large quantities of Tequila Patron for sale on social media pages." The investigation led them to two separate apartments, where they found:

  • 29 cases of Roca Silver worth $11,310
  • 17 cases of Gran Patrón worth $8,619
  • Nine cases of mini Patrón tequila bottles worth $4,860
  • Two other suspects have been interviewed, with charges still pending.

    Dear thieves of the world, I am not a master thief. I am in fact no kind of thief at all, having once been caught trying to steal a candy bar as a kid by taking it out and eating it in the checkout line. (I paid for the candy and was then most extremely grounded.) But one quick suggestion: if you're going to try to fence the booze you stole by selling it on the internet, perhaps don't mention that you have large quantities. Who has large quantities of Patrón? People who a) just shot a music video in a pool, maybe, or b) stole a shit-ton of tequila out of a cargo trailer in Texas.