Last Call: Why Am I Not Allowed To Drink Half-And-Half...?

The best thing available at any diner on earth are the tiny plastic cups of half-and-half that come with your coffee. When my grandmother used to take me to Brooklyn's Vegas Diner (R.I.P.) when I was a kid, even though she took her coffee black she would always request extra half-and-halfs so I could down them like shots of Rated-G whiskey. I liked them better than diner ice cream (which was always crystallized), diner cake (which was always stale), or diner cheese danish (which had stupid raisins in it.) In comparison to the rest of the menu, little cups of half-and-half were practically health food.

As an adult, I, just like grandma, drink my coffee black, but I still make special time to be with my beloved half-and-half. I like splashing it into cereal, using it in hot chocolate, and mixing it my milk when I'm eating cookies. Primarily, though, I drink half-and-half straight from the carton. Sure, I could pour it into a glass like a civilized human being, but it's not nearly as enjoyable, nor is it prudent. By keeping it in the carton, not only do I get to enjoy the quick swilling sensation that I used to get with the tiny plastic cups, but I can also drink a pint of half-and-half over the course of a few hours instead of a few minutes. That's called moderation, and it is highly responsible.

Know who doesn't think it's highly responsible, though? My doctor, who says this practice is "horrifying" and I "need to stop immediately" because I have "high cholesterol." How, exactly, is this worse than eating a bowl of ice cream or drinking a milkshake? It's fine to enjoy pie with a massive tuft of whipped cream on top, or eat a bowl of pasta with lots of butter and cheese, but somehow drinking a quart of half-and-half directly out of the carton is a far worse idea? Why does society have such firm ideas about how I should be consuming my high-fat dairy? Where are these bullshit lines even drawn? Who are any of you to judge?

I want to hear where you people stand on this half-and-half issue. The more we talk about it, the more we can normalize this behavior. Perhaps this shall be my legacy.